By Parke Haskell and Alan Dupont
Scorpio (October 23 -- November 21)
Stay away from trains, ovens, lakes and heavy stones, hungry fistfuls of blue poison, exhaust, exhaustion, prescription drugs, and bathtubs. You've read enough to know better.
Sagittarius (November 22 -- December 21)
You may have spent more than a few minutes today flip-flopping between the virtues of China Wok and Lucky Dragon, but this isn't going to get you any closer to dreams of satiation -- no matter how much MSG-slathered cuisine you consume, you can never be fulfilled. Your hunger is a metaphor.
Capricorn (December 22 -- January 19)
The answers are within your grasp: love, wealth, longevity. What you must do is so simple. We aren't sure what it is, but we can tell you that it is counterintuitive. Perhaps you should pretend next month is "opposite month", enact your worst nightmares for the next thirty days in hope of "triggering" this realization: turn off that nite lite, eat those olives with the pimentos in them, get punched in the adam's apple, get married! Only some of these actions will have long term consequences... and one of them might work!
Aquarius (January 20 -- February 18)
Your friends keep telling you to "treat yourself" and indulge because "you deserve it," but deep down, you know what you deserve -- and it isn't an Etsy shopping spree or an extra scoop of strawberry cheesecake ice cream-- if you know what we're saying. It's something only that friendly Leo from Perkins can give you. Over the internet. ;) But maybe without the bacon bits this time.
Pisces (February 19 -- March 20)
Your life may feel like a Dickensian roller coaster: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. The comma here serves both as punctuation and as an indication of when you will vomit. So, easy on the bourbon: your lack of self-control in the context of this metaphysical theme park will only usher in a new era of not very great expectations. The planets predict: your house is about to become a bleak one.
Aries (March 21 -- April 19)
And you need it now tonight, and you need it more than ever. And if you only hold it tight, you'll be holding on forever and you'll only be making it right 'cause you'll never be wrong. Together you can take it to the end of the line. Your love is like a shadow on it all of the time. It doesn't know what to do and it's always in the dark. You're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks. It really needs you tonight; forever's gonna start tonight...forever's gonna start tonight.
Taurus (April 20 -- May 20)
If you think your therapist is confused, you should hear what the planets are saying.
Gemini (May 21 -- June 21)
The symbol for gemini is the twins, which would be confusing if you were a twin...does that mean there would be four of you? We are so confused. We legitimately are asking for clarification. Or does this just mean you're a little bit bipolar? Or is it that you're incredibly self aware? No, that's definitely not it.
Cancer (June 22 -- July 22)
Did you know that the most distinguishing feature of the face is the nose? This is a true fact. Look at your nose. What does your nose say about who you are? Look more closely at it. Really observe in the way you've learned in Noticing, Choosing, & Writing to Describe. This is how "they" see you. Even when you think you're alone! Your nose may not be able to speak, but if it could, it would tell "them" to fuck off -- what do "they" know anyway?????? You're fine!!!!!!!
Leo (July 23 -- August 22)
The plan committee was right. You can't go back.
Virgo (August 23 -- September 22)
You thought you'd be at least thirty before you started doing all those things your mother does. You were wrong: it starts this week. Remember that objectively your mother isn't so bad and that she probably had a good reason for being irrational, emotional, flighty -- dare we say negligent -- and that you probably just skewed it because you were just a kid and who can blame a kid for making snap decisions, right? Yeah! It's totally okay to open that second bottle of white wine, especially since the first one only takes approximately one-half-an-episode-of-house-hunters-international to finish. What will you drink during the second half?
Libra (September 23 -- October 22)
You're like Beethoven's 5th -- purely recognizable, but everybody only remembers the first measure. Have you thought about getting a hair cut?