Dr. von Doin’ It Helps You Stay Well-Groomed and Keep Sex Sacred

Disclaimer: Dr. von Doin’ It is NOT an accredited doctor of any kind.

Dr. von Doin’it – What are the hawt new pubic hairstyles for the 2013 spring/summer season?

Love,

-Hirsute Harriet

I’m oh so very glad you brought this up because I am actually trimming mine as I type these words! Essentially, anything you can do to a mustache, you can do to a puss-stache. And please be very creative with that. That means you can go with a curly-cue handlebar, an upside-down soul patch, maybe even some mutton-chops if your inner thighs are furry enough. What I am currently working on in my personal bush is a classic fu-manchu, but that would not look good on just any genital. So I guess what I am saying is go with your general genital shape and composition. Complexion and color are things to think about too. Maybe some bleach? Is that safe? Try it and let me know. Is your pubic hair light enough to dye pink or green? Red white and blue? Also consider new and innovative shapes: a heart, a smiley face, if you’re really talented you can make another vagina on top of your regular one. Needless to say, traditional landing strips are so last century. You could take a tip from that kid I saw in the dining hall last term with a reverse mohawk and do what Moses did to the Red Sea, but with a little skinny nosehair trimmer and your carpet. If you wanna be really economical about it try this whacky idea: use the trimmings in french tips on your nails when you’re done! Textured nail polish is so in right now. So you’ve got lots of options, and feel free to email some pictures to all your friends. But whatever you do don’t try to google image search “mustaches on pubes” or “pube mustache,” because I just tried that and got nothin.

Dear Dr.

At a school as small as Bennington, can sex still be sacred?

Yours,

Hermione Stranger

Dear Hermione,

I have no idea. Maybe it can be if you light candles or chant together before and/or after?

Dr vD’it.

Dr von Doin’it,

Do you think a long distance relationship is worth the trouble?

Long distance relationships, like everything else, have their goods and their bads and ultimately it comes down to what you and your partner are willing tolerate. The bad parts speak for themselves: No kissing, cuddling, holding hands, cutting each other’s hair or doing the nasty all the time. Maybe once every other week if you’re lucky. This is especially tough for those who find themselves in monogamous long-distance relationships. But the good thing, maybe the only good thing, is that it tests your strength as a couple. Why stay with someone when your relationship is basically functioning on text messages, instagram, phone tag and the occasional skype sex? You’re obviously not together for geographical reasons, so why? I hope that in your case the answer is love, because as cheesy as it sounds, there’s no other logical reason to stay together. Not to say that love is logical, but that’s beside the point. In my experience, the long-distance thing doesn’t work unless there’s hope for both people to be living in the same general location in the near future, but that’s not to say that ongoing long-distance relationships don’t exist. Either way, summer is only half a term away (the faster half) and our winter break is almost 3 months long. It takes planning – and when you start planning to live around another person, it makes you think about how important they are to you. Long-distance relationships are very rare in the animal kingdom because the sacrifices that human beings are willing to make to sustain them are simply not options for most animals. We are capable of being with another person who isn’t around, but still many relationships don’t pass that test because the choice for a long distance mate, in a biological way, is an unnatural one. So basically don’t be a nerd asking me if your relationship is worth it because how the hell should I know?

If you have a question for Dr. von Doin’ It, leave it in the drop envelope in the Commons mailroom.

Malia Guyer-Stevens