By Greg Noel and Lily Brown '15
Some of you may remember our review of the movie Goats (2011) in which we noted that the best performances were given by the actual goats in the film. Well, on a similar note, No Strings Attached (Ivan Reitman, 2012)starring Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher had a breakout star: Freckles, the Pomeranian. For his few short moments on the screen, he captivated our sights and our hearts—something that Nat and Ash were unable to do for even a moment. Instead of listening to the chunky and tiresome dialogue between Ashton and his Lil’ Wayne-obsessed father, Greg and I found ourselves watching Freckles who was yawning in the corner like a champ. Fluffy and comforting, Freckles tickled our souls in all the right places. We have a tab open on PetFinder.
Here’s the deal. This movie is just the worst and it proves once again that Ashton Kutcher’s career should have ended with That 70’s Show. Sadly, it didn’t. And now we have this: a mediocre product despite the budget and the names. The biggest offender in that department is the creepy bearded doctor (who really has no relevance in the story overall). It only gets worse when you find out that he none other than Wesley from The Princess Bride. And just like that your childhood dreams are shattered and shit upon. The beard is seriously… Like, we can’t even handle how horrible.
We aren’t sure whether it’s worth it to discuss the plot or not, because besides the whole having casual sex thing, there isn’t much going on. Something that really confused us is the timeline of the so-called long-term friendship. Meeting for the first time at summer camp (at age 15), it was our understanding that this would lead to one of those friendships. However, that was the last time they would see each other for 10 years. Then they bump butts at a frat party, and somehow manage to recognize each other even after a decade. Then they part again for 5 years. There is a weird confrontation at a farmer’s market, and then another year goes by before anything even happens. Then (finally) they sex. Fall in love. Crying, crying. Boom. That’s a wrap.
Finally we would like to publically shame the Teen Choice Awards for awarding Ashton Kutcher Best Actor for his role in No Strings Attached. Shame on you, Teen Choice Awards. Shame on you. We reluctantly give No Strings Attached one perfect Pomeranian out of 10.