Five Things I’ve Learned From Women on TV: Spoiler Edition

By Tenara Calem '15

Number One: The Geek gets the Boy (Parks and Recreation)

Photo by dailyinvention (flickr)

Photo by dailyinvention (flickr)

Allow me to be frank: it is refreshing to know that a goofy, big-hearted lady with literally no game and an addiction to waffles can snag the attention of a plaid-clad Adam Scott.  I will admit that it's not like Leslie Knope started dating someone with universally accepted sex appeal; Ben Wyatt is hopelessly dweebish, and legitimately cannot pull off anything besides plaid button-downs.  However, this is just another indication that nerdiness is sexiness, my friends.  Leslie and Ben aren't cool because they can put on makeup or play a sport or any of the shit we thought was important in John Hughes movies.  If The Breakfast Club were remade today, Ben Wyatt would be Emilio Estevez and Leslie Knope would be Molly Ringwald.  The brainy kids in the 1980s whose rallying mascot was a pre-pubescent Anthony Michael Hall have appropriated broadcast television, which means that getting turned on by Joe Biden is now the zeitgeist.  Leslie Knope, who would not have succeeded in popular 1980s television, is now Winning with a capital W: dream job, dream boy, dream waffles.

Number Two: Ask for an Army, then Sic your Dragons on Them (Game of Thrones)

When you have dragons, you basically have an infinite number of Get Out of Jail Free cards.  All Daenerys Targaryen has to do to get her way is ask politely first, and if she gets a no she has some motherfucking dragons.  Everyone and their mother watched her walk into that giant bonfire and walk out unscathed, naked, and with three newly-hatched dragons on her shoulders.  Everyone and their mother told her not to go to the House of the Undying in Qarth, but not only did she go and get some prophet-like wisdom into the future, she also escaped and burned those non-believers with her dragon flames.  Even though her dragons are only toddler sized at this point (though still highly flammable), can you imagine the shit-show Joffrey will face when Khaleesi rolls in with three mountainous flame throwers?  (Note: I am halfway through Book 3, so if I'm wrong it's technically not my fault yet.)

Number Three: Michonne Kills Andrea (The Walking Dead)

Okay, this isn't real, but I wish it were.

Number Four: Protect the Murderer, at all Costs (Dexter)

Debra Morgan has experienced enough trauma in seven seasons to kill any human being, and yet at the end of every therapeutic conversation with her adopted brother, it is clear that her sole purpose on this earth is to protect him.  I legitimately cannot count the number of times Deb has said something like “you're all I have” or “you're the only thing I care about, bro”.  I don't even have to mention the weird incest-bomb dropped in season six to know that Debra exists only in the context of Dexter.  She may not have known that at the beginning, but it is clear that even when she knows her brother's dark secret, she still shows up to save his ass.  While the girl is, like most people, fundamentally opposed to killing other humans, she will not hesitate to shoot a bitch (literally) before she watches Dexter crash and burn.  Okay, so maybe she hesitated, but she'd rather screw up her psyche enough to be committed than let Dexter experience the American judicial system.  That's true love, folks.

Number Five: No Matter What Happens to Me, I'm Still Jessica Lange (American Horror Story)

You don't know the meaning of surviving unbelievable trauma until you've watched Ryan “I don't just produce Glee” Murphy's American Horror Story. I swear to God, this shit's so fucked up that even Hannibal Lecter would be cringing.  I mean, how violated did you feel once you knew the truth about Tate?  And you still loved him!  My idiotically optimistic soul truly believed that things would work out for Tate and Violet or for Lana and Kit, but Ryan Murphy has shown me that the only person who can really survive it is Jessica Lange.  Her two characters so far have looked in the face of a demon nearly once every twenty minutes, and each attempt to triumph over evil has been thwarted by, well, evil.  That alone would be enough to make you go crazy, never mind, oh, I don't know, only giving birth to sad monsters or being a nun with a major guilt complex.  Both Constance and Sister Jude briefly tangoed with insanity, but bounced right back again.  At the end of the seasons, they ultimately threw up their hands and said, “Hey man, I tried.”  I guess there's something to respect in that, because the devil seemed to give them a loving pat on the back and curl up for a long eternity of friendship.  How do you find the strength to look down at your demon grandson, or know that aliens are legitimately inside your friends, and respond with a smile?  The answer is I can do anything because I'm Jessica Lange.

Malia Guyer-Stevens