Dr. von Done It

Photo by Oly Shannon '13

Photo by Oly Shannon '13

By Eddie Sitt '13

With my graduation looming over me like a cloud of pubic hair, it seems like the right time to reveal myself (figuratively as well as literally). I'm sure you will all miss my mildly offensive and probably often unwanted "advice." Nevertheless, I leave this place pompously sure that I have single-handedly guided budding birds and bees to *safely* fornicate with one another and fall in love. That said, anybody that thinks they can fill my shoes should send in a writing sample to bfpeditors@gmail.com, hopefully someone that delicately navigates the line between the comedic and the sexual. I am forever grateful for your ongoing attention, and you're welcome. Love always, Eddie. Now for these totally NOT MADE UP QUESTIONS.

Dear Dr. Von Doin'it,

I'm wondering what the proper etiquette is for what to do when a girl accidentally lets out a not-so-sexy noise from *down there*. The last time that happened I didn't know how to react so I chuckled awkwardly and I think she got embarrassed. At the same time, ignoring it seems equally as awkward. What do I do should this unfortunate air escape happen again?



Dear Anonymous,

Queefing is a natural occurrence in the sex world, and the more time you spend being sexually active, the more you will encounter this absolutely normal and perfectly acceptable occurrence. Before I tell you how to keep things sexy despite the mood killing flarp, I should preface this with a little fun fact that I sort of made up: anuses can queef too! A queef is also referred to as vaginal flatulence because of the similarity in sounds to a fart, but with queefing there are no waste gases involved. What comes out was probably just pushed in a few seconds ago. If you're having anal sex the same thing can happen, and it would be wrong to call that a fart, which is specifically defined as gases from your tummy-tum traveling through the digest-o system to be released, along with the associated smells, into the world. Queefs, whether vaginal or anal, should not smell.
Now for my advice on what to do in certain queefing situations - never laugh unless the queefer laughs first! This is common knowledge. If he or she chooses to address the situation with an awkward "oops" chuckle, you can, and probably should, follow that lead. If the queefer chooses to pretend nothing happened, which actually isn't as awkward as you would think because it means quickly returning to the rhythmic thrusting actions that make all other worries and thoughts melt away, then you should do that. The thing about any rhythm, whether it is a musical beat, industrial machinery or the reproductive act otherwise known as horizontal refreshment, is that it will keep going on forever until a single action stops that rhythm. With music, someone makes a decision to end the song, or falls asleep at the drum set. With machinery, usually a button is pressed to stop the rhythmic action, or something breaks. With sex, a queef should NOT be that one thing that stops the rhythm. Ideally mutual orgasm is that thing that should stop it, and if a queef is enough to end a sexual act, then honestly that sexual act was probably not that great to begin with.  

Dear Doctor,

What should I do in the very common instance where girls want to sleep in my bed but don't want to kiss of even cuddle?


Byron LaOops '13


There is a condition that would affect my answer: do they cuddle you? If the answer is yes than I would tell you to make a move! You won't lose them as a friend at a school like this (we all have that close friend that you drunkenly slept with and went back to being friends), so I wouldn't have any hesitation about going in for that kiss that you so desperately want, especially if they are coming over to have cuddly sleepovers. If these girls don't cuddle you then I would be questioning their motives. Are you lying stiffly side by side throughout the night? Or worse, head to toe to save space? Perhaps these girls have awful living situations and don't want to spend another night lying awake and terrified from their roommates shrieking night terrors. If that's the case, I would still advise you to invade their mouthspace in a similar fashion to the way they have invaded your bedspace. The question you should be asking yourself is are you willing to risk scaring them out of your bed if they don't want to kiss you, and whether or not this dream company, although it's not so fruitful sexually, might actually be a little more comforting than you are willing to admit.