Your Horoscopes Presented by….



You may be dead inside, Virgo, but it doesn’t look it!  Everyone is so impressed by your impeccable veneer of transcended self-understanding.  Take some time today to appreciate the ways in which you keep yourself so together.  Just don’t break down!  Okay? Okay?  Stay away from Long Island Iced Teas…just like you, they taste great but feel like death.


Like Harrison Ford in the motion picture Witness, you have suddenly found yourself in a spiritual setting – perhaps you were placed in a quiet house even though you are a Stokes girl at heart. Like Harrison Ford, in the motion picture Witness, though you have much to learn from the simple folk around you, your mission may distract you from attaining peace. Do not email Sam and Sage, for though they are accommodating, lovely ladies, their readiness to accept your request may only lead you further astray – away from the Amish country of your discontent, towards a less Amish country of more discontent.


Take a shower.  You need it.  Stop saying you don't have time -- we all know that "4 hour Sherry Kramer class" on your door schedule is actually a 4 hour nap.  Some students may rock the Vermont-unshaved-chic look, but you know that isn't you...you barely got away conforming with those clogs.  Ehehughgughh.  So take some time to steam it out, Scorpio -- and yes, we all know -- we're all gonna die.


Hey there, Sag.  How's it going.  You don't know, do you -- that's why you're desperately reading this horoscope in the BFP even though you know we don't know what we're talking about because it's the BFP.  But here's the thing...just look inside.  You have a rich inner life and a heart of gold.  Both those things.  At once.  You don't need us!!!!!!!!!!!!  You're not like those dumb-ass Taruses!  How do they get through life???  Y'know?????!??  You know.


Lately, you are the unsung hero, Capricorn.  You have done it all and no one has appreciated this, let alone noticed your existence.  We don't have any advice -- it's just something we observed.  But you might as well take this opportunity to eat a whole Ben & Jerry's by yourself in the Student Center, because, let's face it -- no one can see your sorrow.


You’ve heard rumor of the Bennington plague, but no amount of crouching in corners or hiding in hearths will keep your immune system protected from those micro-savages that infiltrate the underside of the wok station where the oil residue is.  From last fall.  They say laughter is the best medicine, but each chuckle shall only prophecy two coughs.  Just reminding you, you’re going to pee out most of the vitamin content of EmergenC, so don’t bother.  Seize this opportunity to catch up on television, because saying you’ve watched the first episode of Orange is the New Black and “OMG,” is just not cutting it anymore.  Even the freshmen are onto you.


Your personal forte may be white girl drunk, Pisces, but that doesn't mean the planets are going to let you get away with it.  You're like a constantly exposed banana; it's time to pull that peel up before your midterms rear their ugly heads and take so many little bites out of you!  Why don't you strut on over to the library or the CAPA and get your worker bee on?  We don't want to see your soft, chewy center right now.


You’re like a bull in a china shop full of bulls – it’s so confusing, because you actually belong there!  Where did the china go?  This isn’t important -- the important thing is, you’ve made it!


Feeling like a chicken on the factory runway towards nugget-dom?  Anne Boleyn under the guillotine?  Oedipus?  Cosmic forces are particularly strong for you right now, Taurus.  Remember when Mariko told you that freedom is not the absence of restraint?  Well don't waste your time worrying about that, because terrible shit is going to happen to you no matter what you do -- that's how destiny works!  Try to enjoy your total lack of control, even as your life takes a horrifying turn for the worse!


This month will be a Rihanna song for you, Gemini.  Will you find love in a hopeless place, or…disturbia?  Only time will tell.  


Take advantage of our clothing optional policy.  That special Leo in your life needs a pick me up.


You saw Marguerite Feitlowitz rocking a blazer, and now you're feeling pretty low about yourself.  Don't worry, Leo.  You look great in a blazer.  


Malia Guyer-StevensComment