How to: Cook Bacon

By Logan Traynor

 

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Assuming that you already have bacon, the first thing that you want to do is acquire a frying pan, cooking spray, and a spatula (or some other flipping utility). If you don’t have any of these you could always steal them from Third Street. After you gather your frying pan pick it up and place it neatly on the stove head. Then, with one hand pick up the cooking spray and drop it into the garbage. You don’t need that shit. Grab your bag of bacon and fumble with it until it opens. If you cannot open it then give up; making bacon is not for you. Once your bag is opened take out the strips individually and place them onto the pan. Make sure to leave a good amount of space between the strips. After about six to nine strips you will run out of room on the pan. At this point start placing the bacon in the spaces between the previously placed bacon. When you run out of room between bacon, place the rest of the bacon on top however you see fit. If done correctly, all of the bacon that was once in the package will now be in the frying pan. You are ready to start cooking.

Before you start the magnificent process of turning raw pig meat into bacon you must take off your shirt. This step is overlooked by almost everyone who ever prepares bacon but it is critical for the bacon to turn out well. It’s just physics. Light the stove and turn the dial to a number that makes you feel comfortable. If that number is below 3 then stop being a little bitch or you will never cook bacon. Now that there is a flame underneath the pan the bacon will begin to cook. Over time the bacon on the bottom will become browner and when this occurs use the spatuler to move the bacon on the bottom to the top. Do not take any special care when transporting the goods. Repeat this process until you have a substantial amount of grease. Tilt the pan towards you so all of the grease flows to one end. Then use the spatula to relocate all of the bacon to the area in which you just moved the grease. Press the bacon down with the spatula while it is enveloped in the grease. At this point tiny molten balls of oil will leap from the pan and onto your chest. This means it is working.  After a few minutes of rigorously smashing the bacon it should be compacted into a nice wad. Let this wad cook in the grease for a few more minutes. If you are not a total idiot, then you have just succeeded in making bacon. Hooray! Now you can eat it. Oh don’t forget to turn off the stove.