Horoscopes for a Rainy Day

by Lucas Marten

Aries (2008, 1996, 1984) - This will be a bad week for you. So will every second week of every fifth month starting with the end of last year. On the fourth month of the fourth year, the third week will be the best week for your life.

Taurus (2009, 1997, 1985) - The FAFSA is due and has been due for awhile. If you didn’t do it, it’s too late. You either did or didn’t do the FAFSA. Make sure you are committed to the path you have chosen.

Gemini (2010, 1998, 1986) - You’re meant for politics. Leave your flip flops at the gas station. Football only on special occasions. You don’t do the cooking anymore, people do it for you. It’s nice at first, but... You start to miss the flip flops.

Cancer (2011, 1999, 1987) - Send all your usernames and passwords to someone you don’t trust. The universe is sorry, but you have to.

Leo (2012, 2000, 1988) - Pumpkin spice is your pick of the week.

Virgo (2013, 2001, 1989) - Spend five minutes today reconnecting with your right foot. Give it compliments, make it feel good about itself. One day it might grow up to be the President’s foot. Can you imagine? Mariko’s foot.

Libra (2014, 2002, 1990, 1978) - Put your hands over your head. When you put them back down, they might feel different. If they don’t feel different, see a doctor. If they still don’t feel different, keep seeing that doctor.

Scorpio (2015, 2003, 1991, 1979, 1967) - Take out the recycling. Keep an eye out for recyclable items that might be lying around. It’s okay to just pick things up and recycle them, just rinse your hands afterward and don’t touch your eye. It’s a good habit. Remember:
“The only good lawn is a clean one.” - Residents of Bennington Community. “But it doesn’t just have to be a lawn.” - Other Residents of Bennington Community.

Sagittarius (2004, 1992, 1980) - You have a shaky cruise in your future. Your trip around the coast will be very unstable. You’ll pull through, but you’re never going to forget the burgundy curtains in the Upper-Deck Bathroom or the triple-ply toilet paper that you used to wipe your mouth after you finished vomiting but then found so subtly pleasing that you used it to wash your face. You’re going to buy that brand for the rest of your life. It’s nice to have consistency.

Capricorn (2005, 1993, 1981) - On the top of a nearby stairway, you will find bliss. This is a good time to be a Capricorn.

Aquarius (2006, 1994, 1982) - Go for a pleasant hike. Head East. Keep heading East. It’s East of here, just a little bit East.

Pisces (2007, 1995, 1983) - Heading west, you will come across a passing Aquarius. You two are really going to hit it off. You compliment the Aquarius’ shirt. The Aquarius nods and admires your shoes. Beware of Leos.