Horoscope

by Lucas Marten

Aries - Your intentions are pure? All the positive energy that you push out will come back to you? People love and respect you? You are an individual with the capability to do great things for this world? 

Taurus - Remember that thing that an important person in your life told you? They were lying. Time to change it up. Start by making a little mistake and consider a big one. 

Gemini- Uh oh.

Cancer - Remember to be sensual and ethical, no less than intellectual. Student freedom is not the absence of restraint, however; it is rather the fullest possible substitution of habits of self-restraint for restraint imposed by others. Restrain yourself, sensually and ethically, no less than intellectually. 

Leo - When is the last time you donated $5 to a good cause? Go.

Virgo - The music that you listen to is boring. As someone inside your head, I’m bored. Listen to something else. Envision your idea of a musician... okay, good, I see it, now listen to music by someone who doesn’t look like that. 

Libra - Two people walk into a grocery store. The first one says, “I need some vegetables so I’m going to the left.” The second one says, “I need milk, so I’m going to the right.” You find this satisfying, but I never said they were getting back together. In fact, one of them loses their phone and they don’t find each other again before they leave. The vegetable person takes a taxi home because they assumed the milk person left. The milk person got distracted by cheese and waits at the exit. 

Scorpio - Today is a good day to bully your friends. Try not to let it get too far, but remind them that you could be the alpha-friend if you really wanted. If you find this too difficult, then consider walking on the outside of a group because you’re clearly not meant for the middle.

Sagittarius - Everything is going surprisingly well for you and that’s probably going to keep happening for awhile. So, the next time you want to complain, consider shutting up instead.

Capricorn - You have an interesting texture in your future. It may be fabric or a very smooth plastic. You’re going to want to touch it, but this is a situation where you should consider just how far you’re going to let your impulsivity take you. This could be a good opportunity to deny yourself pleasure for the sake of proving that you can. 

Aquarius - Today’s a good day to disrupt the patriarchy. Go do something that doesn’t require a signature. If you are a straight white man with a job, today is a good day to either stay in bed or do what everyone else tells you to do. 

Pisces - Consider re-reading all of the previous horoscopes and incorporating each of them into your life somehow. Pisces is the master sign, its wisdom is not limited by birthday-boundaries. It’s always a good time to be a Pisces.