By Lucas Marten '16

Aries - First up, as usual, is Aries.

Taurus - Take that shit off your walls. We get it, you’re you. Try to be a little more than that, though.

Gemini - Everything is going to change for the better and all you have to do is nothing.

Cancer - I love everything you do, you’re doing so much good stuff (in my opinion). If you ask me, I’ll tell you that, wow, this is really good (what you’re doing). Hey, we should hang out, I’d like to talk about what you’re doing with you. Maybe then I can talk about myself, but, no, it’s okay, that’s not what this is about.

Leo - Make sure you’re being loud so the people in the back can hear you, but not too loud that the people in the front are overwhelmed. Make sure that the people in the middle can see your chest, but don’t hide your shoulders from the sides.

Virgo - Find your favorite tree and take care of it. Soon.

Libra - Consider meeting others’ expectations of you based on your gender. That way no one can get angry at you, just disappointed.

Scorpio - Someone wants one of your possessions. Not to borrow, to have. When they ask you for it, keep the following in mind: Ronald Reagan stayed in office for two terms.

Sagittarius - Expect a raise in your future. Also, another raise every fourth alternating year. Every second time you get a raise, the raise will raise. Expect an ever-increasing profit margin (with the exception of 2036).

Capricorn - You have an interesting job prospect in your future, but you will experience a hatred so intense that you think about going back to Miami. How are you going to get there? Just go back to sleep. Then wake up. Oy.

Aquarius - Something about an iguana.

Pisces - Formerly known as the Master Sign, Pisces has, unfortunately, regressed into an individual.