Next Week's Horoscope

Image by Eloise Schieferdecker

Image by Eloise Schieferdecker

Lucas Marten '16

Pisces (2007, 1995, 1983) - Look who’s #1 this week. Yeah yeah yeah, buddy, you’re on top. This is gonna last forever, you’re always #1, buddy, yeah, come on, ring the bell, yeah. Uh oh. The bell hasn’t stopped ringing. Oh no, it’s not getting quieter, it’s getting louder. Somebody please stop the bell, no, it’s floating away out of your reach but you can still hear it because it’s only getting louder. That small business owner across the street is giving you a dirty look. Alright, buddy, you’re still #1, it’s okay, you’re #1. Oh but here comes #2 tryna be #1. Yeah, yeah, ring the bell, I fucking dare you.

Aries (2008, 1996, 1984) - Hold grudges and burn bridges. Forgiveness is overrated. Do what’s easy, difficult things aren’t worth it.

Taurus (2009, 1997, 1985) - There’s something really great coming up for you and it’s going to be OH, shit, sorry, someone else just took it instead. You were going to be so happy! Good luck.

Gemini (2010, 1998, 1986) - Your last horoscope was wrong. Try something else.

Cancer (2011, 1999, 1987) - Pumpkin spice is your pick of the week.

Leo (2012, 2000, 1988) - You know how sometimes you wish you had a choice? Haha, you and me both, buddy. Let’s go get out of here for a bit, yeah? We’ll grab _______ and check out that thing. Sounds good, get it together.

Virgo (2013, 2001, 1989) - Someone close to you is in love with you and you didn’t notice. You have noticed their flaws, though. Too bad.

Libra (2014, 2002, 1990) - Remember that time someone let you down and you thought to yourself, “I can’t rely on anyone”? Consider the concept of a drive-thru. You can rely on anyone who’s paid to be there.

Scorpio (2015, 2003, 1991) - Donald Trump has a shot at becoming President. Guantanamo Bay is still open and, when it’s closed, terrorist suspects are going to be moved to U.S. prisons where force-feeding anti-psychotics is a legal practice. Maybe Yik-Yak and the Dining Hall aren’t so bad. Maybe the world is really big and focusing a great deal of your energy on your immediate surroundings is in some way inhibiting you.

Sagittarius (2016, 2004, 1992) - Find a nearby object and focus on it… Consider that this object has likely experienced a great deal of trauma due to the fact that it has lived its whole life being treated as an object. Alright, walk away.

Capricorn (2005, 1993, 1981) - You’ve got a cheesy future ahead of you. You’ve got so much cheese inside of you and Saturday is a great time to let it out. You may be inclined to think of “cheese” as a metaphor, but look forward to a really cathartic poop. The poop is a metaphor.

Aquarius (2006, 1994, 1982) - Beware of Cancers.