Seriously, We Need to Talk About Printers
By Wesley Haaf ‘18
VAPA has printers! Downcommons has one, and it does color, and it’s reliable if you’ve got fast hands or thin fingers to work inside the gears and parts—sometimes it’s funky but it’s always fixable. Then there are the two trustiest hunky metal friends: Crossett’s own Tartt and Lethem. They are big and huge and you know they’re the best of the best, and we love them and are so grateful. They run smooth and pure, and the paper’s so warm when it comes out that sometimes it burns me and that’s when I like it the most. So what if the toner’s low sometimes? These bots have personality (very rare fact/rumor: they’re named after Bton alums who write library books). So stop complaining, “Oh, my Jennings class starts in two minutes and neither printer works.” Quit the anti-bureaucratic public hummus eating, peaceniks. Our printers deserve respect, like a 90’s Liz Coleman.
I’m sick of seeing you all smack these printers left and right. It’s a paper jam… emphasis on paper. But you can’t slam the paper-tray doors like some snotty kid with a ’frigerator! There’s literally a thing on the printer that tells you how to fix any problem so cut the whole Lindsay Lohan, I-get-whatever-I-want routine. Newsflash: it’s not 2007. Even if it’s like, crashing, or like doing whatever the um, the printers do when they’re not working; who cares it’s still good. Example: in Crossett, when you’re out of paper, you can talk to a real Bennington student, working and doing real things. It’s not industrial, and it’s not fascist, or “institutional.” It’s just some buddy punching that clock, plain and simple. They hand you the paper—forget scrounging through cabinets and foreign territory for your tuition-earned 8.5x11’s! Also: remember the touch screen interface is the essence of user control; I’m talking about deleting those defunct jammer documents—they clog up the whole mainframe. IT has to get in there through the back door, I’m talking programming technology, cyberpunk; I’m talking Angelina Jolie in Hackers.