Meet the Attic Kardashian

By Mari Schiff '21

 Artwork by Emma Ogden '21

Artwork by Emma Ogden '21

Last week's KUWTK episode was highly emotional. Kim got honest about Caitlyn, Kendall cried on camera about that notorious Pepsi ad––it was messy and kind of great.

However, the Kardashian-Jenners prove that they have even more drama to expose. Jill, their attic sister, came out of hiding this past week.

"The family is unclear how Jill managed to hide in their Calabasas home for the past decade without detection," Kardashian spokesperson/latte boy said in a press statement. "What's more unusual is that Jill has moved houses with the rest of her family several times, also without detection." The spokesperson also confirmed that it's unknown who Jill's father is, as she has scales, no nostrils, and little resemblance to Robert Kardashian. He noted that the Kardashian-Jenners still consider her very much part of the family. Many conspiracy theories have been circulating that Jill is half lizard-person, which the spokesperson refuted. "She's just a very special woman with scales, no nostrils, slowly emerging horns and a small yet definitive tail."

He continued, "Everyone is overjoyed that Jill has returned to conventional life safely, and that their deli meats, dead batteries, and bananas have stopped disappearing."

Jill's return took up almost the entire episode. She took viewers around the attic crawlspace in Khloe's house where she has been sleeping, eating, and religiously reading Goop. (When asked about her stance on vaginal steaming, Jill pointed to the wrong end of an exhaust fan on one end of the attic. "Very useful," she said.)

During her self-exile from the Kardashian clan, Jill exercised her resourcefulness. Inexplicably, she fit an 'extra extra firm' Tempurpedic mattress into her humble abode, but in lieu of sheets slept on a fake bearskin rug Khloe had put out during spring cleaning. Jill mostly wore matching sweatsuit sets from before the OJ Simpson trial. It's unclear where she found these. Jill does not need to shower due to her naturally occurring scales, but does oil herself down weekly. "The Roman Gladiator skincare routine is, like, so hot right now," Kim said on the tour. (On the Kardashian's merchandise site, you can buy a jar of Jill's sweat and discarded scales for $15 . "The profit margin is very low for that kind of thing, but the Kardashians are invested in quality products," a source with knowledge of the Kardashian's business model stated.)

As for food, Jill's diet consists only of fresh fruit 'scavenged' from the lower levels of the house. According to an exclusive source, in order to encourage Jill to eat, her sisters have taken to hiding apples, berries and citrus around the house. "They respect her natural foraging instinct, but are also frustrated that her habits are a little like a fussy, incontinent dog's," the source stated. "Also, they don't know what Jill did with all that deli meat, as she considers herself a paleo-vegan."

The real bombshell dropped at the end of the episode. During a family dinner at Nobu, Jill spoke to her family about how she wants to remake her lifestyle. Kourtney finally asked about the elephant in the room:

"Why did you decide to come out of hiding, Jill?"

Jill paused, thinking. Kris patted her arm comfortingly. "I'm pregnant," she confirmed. As of now, it's unclear who the father is.